Hashed Out!!

Giggle giggle....snigger...

"You usually roll over to my side when I ask you to lie in my arms.....but today you picked yourself up and plonked down next to me!!", said Sinbad, while laughing out loud enough to wake the neighbors.

"I know", said I, guffawing just as loud.

And then in a nanosecond of sobriety, I exclaim, "But that's not funny!!"

Sinbad replies while laughing even louder now, "Then why the hell were you laughing?"

And we dissolve into side-splitting laughter all over again!!!

A mixture of immense love and some #### on the side - that's the recipe I'm holding out for, for good now!

Yesterday!

Ever experienced the way your past sometimes takes form & comes to face you, just when you least expect it to? And to think, all this time God would have been giving you signs.

I faced yesterday once more.

It was like meeting someone I had once known. Someone I had once known intimately. It didn't seem strange, but it did feel a bit awkward. For I had no clue what to make of it, or what to say or feel. All I wanted to know was......

"Why are you here?"

"I just wanted to see how you're doing"

"Why?"

"How are you?"

"I'm alright. Now why are you still here?"

"You seem happy.You look good.Life seems to be going well for you"

I was getting agitated by the minute, I didn't see why I had to talk to this ghost of my past. I turned around to walk away, but there he stood blocking my path.

"You can't run from me gal, I am with you, inside you. I am the moment that died a second ago......"

"Well stop haunting me. I've known you, but now I need to move on, so let me."

"I didn't come here today to hurt you, or to remind you of what happened. You know it too well yourself."

"What, are you trying to make me feel guilty? regretful?"

"No I just came to see the gal who gave me life, who lived that life with me.You moved on when you saw you could do nothing about the way things were.......I waited. And today, I am moving on too."

I stared.....trying to absorb what was just said. The words hung heavy in the following silence. "You're.....moving on........." I asked a bit increduluously.

"Yeah! Can't I?"

"Well yeah......sure.....no wonder you look happy too."

"Yeah, I came to say goodbye before it was too late.I wanted to see you once before I moved into a phase of life where you don't exist."

"Oh!" My mind was running with thoughts - how can I not exist? How can I just be a face in the crowd for my own yesterday?Surely, he is lying. I exist, and will continue to do so. And if I bump into him 10 years down the line, he'd still want to see me, hold me, talk to me.

He somehow read my thoughts, and smiled knowingly. "No babes, I'm closing all doors."

With that, he kissed me on my forehead and walked.......and left me bumbling with questions. I stood for a minute trying to grasp exactly what had transpired. Or had I dreamed it up?

No I hadn't dreamed it up. It was actually yesterday, my own yesterday that had today come to say goodbye to me. To set me free, to liberate me from all that ever bound me. If nothing else, it left me believing in yesterday. That even though it's gone, it really hasn't. It still is there....the moment still lives. I may not remember it, but it lives inside my own yesterday.......And I know I'll bump into him again. Maybe I'll be more prepared next time.

The Beatles put it nicely enough for me - "yesterday.....oh I believe in yesterday....."

Of Dogs....and Doggess(es)!!!

It's Friday morning. I woke up early, but I'm still happy in my state of sleep infused inertia.....because I'm on a vacation. I've been vacationing while everyone else has been working.
I'm thinking...."Nothing beats vacationing on weekdays"
And with this thought, I turn on my side, pull up the covers and am about to go back to my slumber, when.......I start laughing! Because I am being tickled.....mercilessly.

"Stop it.....puhhleeezzzz" I half-giggle, half-speak.

And when he does stop, I playfully hit him,and push him away.

"Dog!!"

"So that makes you a.......doggess!!"

Yep - a doggess!!

That's what I am - a doggess!

And we burst out laughing again. Doggess indeed. Strangely, it seems to rhyme with "goddess"

Yeah, I can live with that!!

Trying for A Clean Slate

I had a lot of time today to think back on my life.......and restrospect. A lot of incidents came to mind - some happy, and some not so happy. But the one question that kept sticking out in my mind as I went about with my soul searching, was "would I repeat any of this if I were in a similar situation today?" It was an easy answer for some situations - yes I would drive at a 120 kmph again, yes I would buy that 90th pair of shoe, yes I would go for a movie all by myself, yes I would still choose this line of occupation, yes I would wink at that cute guy in the cafe.....

But there are some answers that are not so easy to come by.

Would I still get into that relationship all over again? Would I still do something that jeopardized my whole life? Would I still invest my emotions into something that provides me with nothing but insecurity? Would I still want to build a wall around myself again?

I couldn't find an answer - a definite answer.

But this led me to more questions for myself. Would my past always haunt me like this, with no definite answers?Would I ever be able to start all over again with a clean slate?

Does anyone ever begin life afresh with a clean slate? Are they able to?

I think your past has a way of catching up with you. Cliched as it may sound but what goes around, does come around. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it's God's way of showing you how wrong it is what you once thought to be justified. Karmic.

And maybe it's God way of giving you a chance to put right what you may once have knowingly wronged.

Repentance.

Isn't repentance a form of punishment in itself? You relive all those times in the past. You go through hell because now you realise how wrong it was. You cry. You seek forgiveness. You suffer. You repent!!

I've seen people turn over a new leaf. And just when they're about to embark onto a new life altogether, their over-due repentance catches up with them like the IT Dept would catch up with you for outstanding tax dues.But is that really the best time for repentance? Just when an alcoholic would emerge from rehab, fully converted, would it be fair to push him into a full-on booze night? How fair would it be to force someone to relive through the same hell that he's just about managed to escape from, all in the name of repentance?

Which brings me back to my question : does anyone ever begin life afresh with a clean slate? Are they able to?