I had a lot of time today to think back on my life.......and restrospect. A lot of incidents came to mind - some happy, and some not so happy. But the one question that kept sticking out in my mind as I went about with my soul searching, was "would I repeat any of this if I were in a similar situation today?" It was an easy answer for some situations - yes I would drive at a 120 kmph again, yes I would buy that 90th pair of shoe, yes I would go for a movie all by myself, yes I would still choose this line of occupation, yes I would wink at that cute guy in the cafe.....
But there are some answers that are not so easy to come by.
Would I still get into that relationship all over again? Would I still do something that jeopardized my whole life? Would I still invest my emotions into something that provides me with nothing but insecurity? Would I still want to build a wall around myself again?
I couldn't find an answer - a definite answer.
But this led me to more questions for myself. Would my past always haunt me like this, with no definite answers?Would I ever be able to start all over again with a clean slate?
Does anyone ever begin life afresh with a clean slate? Are they able to?
I think your past has a way of catching up with you. Cliched as it may sound but what goes around, does come around. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it's God's way of showing you how wrong it is what you once thought to be justified. Karmic.
And maybe it's God way of giving you a chance to put right what you may once have knowingly wronged.
Repentance.
Isn't repentance a form of punishment in itself? You relive all those times in the past. You go through hell because now you realise how wrong it was. You cry. You seek forgiveness. You suffer. You repent!!
I've seen people turn over a new leaf. And just when they're about to embark onto a new life altogether, their over-due repentance catches up with them like the IT Dept would catch up with you for outstanding tax dues.But is that really the best time for repentance? Just when an alcoholic would emerge from rehab, fully converted, would it be fair to push him into a full-on booze night? How fair would it be to force someone to relive through the same hell that he's just about managed to escape from, all in the name of repentance?
Which brings me back to my question : does anyone ever begin life afresh with a clean slate? Are they able to?
5 comments:
Starting out new is not as simple as wiping the slate clean, because a part on the slate is you. Unless you are successfully ablt to turn a new leaf yourself, new begininnings will be hard to come by. And yes, your past is like an obsessive ex, the past keeps trying to come back. When it does its your present that gives you the strength to lose that baggage.
I see my present as a beautiful gurl I am in love with. And my past as an obsessive ex. Now I am sure the picture is as clear in your mind too. One day at a time babe.
You will find what you seek. It's not where, how, when you search, it's what you seek.
Cheers,
Nik.
i don't think anyone can ever begin life afresh with a clean slate. it's like... you can checkout anytime you like but you can never leave. :)
Maybe the past does not actually always "catch up with you" but that's because you never left it behind, never let it go. You yourself lug it around with you... every living moment of every day. Your hurt does not die... your feelings do not die... In fact the irnoy is that when you try to "begin life afresh", you kind of begin to live in a duality. Hiding from all your past so you can present a clean present and hold still in the sulking corners of your heart memories from the past.
The point I am trying to make is that... even if you are one of those lucky few where your past leaves you, you do not/ CAN not leave your past.
Waisey, nice post. Love
Yes, one has to work hard at letting the past go; but that is the right thing to do. Once you let it go, your life becomes vibrant, full of hope and of new life, new friends, new people , new possibilities.
Yes, babe - leave the past behind, way behind.
your well wisher
I remember a childhood short story, of a Soapy Morgan. (Unfortunately do not remember the author... Maybe you have read this). Soapy was a convict whose pride had gotten the better of him. He was a free bird during winter and wanted shelter. Pride restrained him from doing odd jobs or taking a helping hand from service societies. Instead, he wanted to get arrested and go home to the warmth and comfort of Blackwell prison. He went on a futile attempt at petty crime to get to Blackwell, but alas luck evaded him! A desperate Soapy chanced upon a church from where soft choir music made him reminiscent of his childhood... his innocence. The wind around him at that moment though chilly was definitely one of change. Reality though was cruel for it was at the same time that he got charged for being found under suspicious circumstances. Soapy Morgan spent that winter in the warmth and comfort of Blackwell prison.
Not a very encouraging story, however life is such. A clean slate when wiped with a wet cloth leaves patches when the water dries up.
The ability to change should be complimented with the ability to handle and overcome the ghosts of the past.
Wish you luck.
Cheers,
D
Well,Life is made up of happy and not so happy moments,and i appreciate the fact dat u hev managed to step out of the not so happy moments..Agreed ur past does'nt let go off you..but the slate has all what u've done in d past on it..would'nt say u can erase it but yep u could avoid all the things that haunt you,cuz trust me if u want to be happy..No past no nothing could stop u from bein so!!I totally believe in what goes around,comes around..and Sweety trust me this is how life moves and dis is how we realise that we were wrong in life,but yet we cant go back into the past and change anythin..All we can do is stick to our present and not make conclusions based on the past..Cuz not all things and times are the same!!And about sendin an alcoholic to a rehab n then pushin him to a full on booze party is testin him..and you are my sister,you are my strong gurl! I kno u'd pass all the tests in life..and next time you find spare time on you..come clean my room,go watch a movie and yea go buy shoes..but don waste time thinkin about ur past..it wil just hold u bak leavin u wid nothin..so the wisest decision is to look in the front and stick to ur present..Love ya!
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